Listening to Yourself

Many of you have been wondering the reason(s) behind my sudden start and stop of this website after my seemingly endless excitement regarding it. I could tell you I got busy and focused on other things. This would be true, but not THE truth in its entirety, and the original purpose of this blog was to embrace authenticity in its truest form, therefore I should be honest with you all. My absence was because of my tremendous fear of rejection and personal confusion regarding exactly how committed to this project I am. I thought long and hard on how often I wanted to post, but never paid attention to whether or not I could handle such a busy schedule. Clearly this was too much all at once and I left this website to die. I also feared I would not have enough to say and would disappoint anyone reading these posts. After a long 10-month period I can say I'm ready to try again and I hope my upcoming posts will inspire you as they have been a long time coming! But first I want to emphasize the importance of listening to yourself.

Loving and listening to myself were my biggest struggles while I was gone, as I didn't see myself as being deserving of any love or appreciation. I honestly see myself as a burden and nuisance to everyone around me most of the time. But what I'm coming to realize is that it is just as important to love yourself as it is to love others. Now before we dive in, I will say I'm not asking you to love anyone more than you do your Father in heaven, and I will ask that you do not assume I am suggesting narcissism. There is a large spectrum of loving yourself, and in order for you to love others the way they should be, you must first understand how to care for yourself. To be a narcissist, you care only for yourself and believe that your health and opinions come before anyone else's. The self-love I am suggesting involves giving yourself the right to say "no" to others, listening to and remembering to take care of yourself, and setting boundaries within your relationships-all for your mental health (or any other part of your personal health for that matter). Some of you may not find this to be an issue for yourself and that is a good thing! This can simply serve as a reminder or suggest ways for you to improve in your journey.

Some of you may be wondering where I'm getting my biblical proof that we should love ourselves, or even why I'm joining this new "cultural bandwagon of self-love". I believe this new movement is very helpful for those of us who honestly don't know the best ways to care for ourselves. And as I'm sure many, if not all, of you know, loving God and loving others are the two most important commandments, but in the second as you might not have noticed the significance of, God asks you to "Love your neighbor as yourself." This suggests you love yourself, but for some of us that is harder than for others for whom it comes naturally. For those struggling with the fear of rejection and/or abandonment, loving one's self seems impossible at times. Once someone or something has entered your safe bubble and destroyed everything you thought you knew to be good about life and yourself, it's hard not to expect that to be your new normal, especially when that something is ongoing or recurring. That something for me is abandonment.

Abandonment and I go way back. Starting when I was 2 and occurring five times since then, someone has left me without explaining why or even saying goodbye. (Five of those times being with a close friend, the first time being with someone whom I believed was my father but was not). Each of these events has triggered something inside of me that tells me I wasn't good enough for them and I probably never deserved them in the first place. This is clearly not a healthy mindset and led me to severe social and general anxiety, major depression, mild self-harm (if that's even a thing), and insomnia. I have never had an eating disorder, but I have an unhealthy perspective when it comes to food and my appearance and I believe this was impacted by my mother (unknowingly, but through her comments regarding herself that trained me in the same pattern) as well as these individuals. All of this from 6 events, as well as several other unhealthy friendships in which I didn't set necessary boundaries. I believe the main issue here is that I never healed from the first time someone walked out on me and each time has simply reopened and stabbed once again at the original wound.

For many of us, we could not have changed what happened to us if we wanted to, and the impact is something much greater than we can handle on our own. Thus, we reach out to our Father and find grace and understanding in His loving arms. This is a much greater story for another post, but it must not go unacknowledged here nonetheless. But the greater struggle is dealing with the effects of loss and rejection in your mind and life.

One of these effects is the struggle to go against the will of someone else. But in many circumstances, it is right to stand up for yourself and tell someone when they are doing something you are not okay with or you just plain don't want to do what they are asking of you and that is OKAY. This has been the BIGGEST issue with me as I hate disappointing people and never stand up for myself, but I'm learning that I am the only person who will always be there for myself and I need to be a good friend to myself and listen to myself and you should to yourself too. :)

Setting boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and you will find that once you do, you will be so much more comfortable in your relationships and know when enough is enough. Also, this will help you to enjoy your life to its full extent, rather than simply going along with what everyone around you wants you to do without admitting the truth from your perspective. One thing I'm still working on is realizing my opinion matters in my relationships and my community. If I'm not being honest with myself and my needs and communicating that to others so that we can work together and they can help me learn further, I cannot love others the way I should. I have to know the love I need and accept the challenge to listen to myself in order to honestly suggest it into others' lives and commit myself to helping them myself. One of the best ways to do this is to talk to yourself like you would a dear friend...you'll find yourself automatically wanting to help and love yourself like a best friend. So before you accuse me of narcissism and misunderstanding real life, try listening to yourself and remind yourself "You matter. You always have and you always will. I'm sorry if I haven't been listening to your needs. I'll do my best to listen and care for you like I should, even if it means making some changes in my relationships around me. I need you on my side if I'm going to love others well. Let's work together to live open-minded and understanding and listen well to each other and those around us. It's going to work out and be okay. You might not be okay now but I'm here. I'm listening. And I'm here to try to help you and thus others." You'll be amazed at the relief you feel. It really will work out, but you must work alongside yourself and trust your soul. Peace takes some elbow grease, but seeking love and knowing love gives you the ability to overflow love. As Tiffany Roe, a podcaster I listen to says, may you be well. :)

And as always, may love and grace follow you wherever you may go. You are loved and welcome here. You are enough and there is a light at the end of tunnel, whether or not you can see it now. The blessing you need is on its way.

~Katy